You find them attractive, but they have a worrying lack of ability to take care of themselves as a grown adult. They say they value family, but spend very little with their own and give you a hard time when you want to be with yours. You have great sex, but no deep emotional connection. They are big on romantic gestures, but in heated arguments treat you like shit. They make a lot of money, but have a pesky gambling problem. You want to spend money on experiences, they want to collect material goods. If you are doing complicated computations such as these, weighing pros and cons, trying to decide if you want to get into or stay in a relationship with someone, then the answer is no. Indecision means no. Learn it!
Because, news flash, relationships really don’t have to be that hard. Despite what our society and the truly frightening number of relationship fix-it books on the market would like us to believe. Just look for a great fit. Fit is real. Fit is obvious. A great fit will feel like an easy yes.
Fit is ease with your partner without significant compromise. I’m not saying no compromise, but it will be painless if you are a good fit. A good fit will feel easy – not because it requires no effort, but because the effort won’t feel burdensome. You also won’t feel like you need to keep score to make sure you aren’t being ripped off by this person, because you will know at a basic level that they are giving as much as you are. See what I mean? I know it may seem idealistic, but it really is possible.
Think of the best friends in your life, the ones that “get you” on a deep level. You talk for hours, finish each other’s sentences, can tune into each other’s moods, feel peaceful in each other’s presence and laugh til you cry at the same stuff. You have fun together but can also be “deep”. If you don’t know what I mean, then you need new friends! But seriously, you feel like yourself and you like who you are with people that “fit” with you. You may roll your eyes at each other once in a while, but for the most part, it is easy and fulfilling. Romantic relationships can feel like this too, honest. No need to try to shoehorn people into your life by overlooking things that don’t “fit”. If you have to think too hard before saying yes to being with someone, the answer should probably be no. Friend or otherwise.
Karyn Shomler aka kc is me